4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
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Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.