Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
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Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
This anagram machine is out of order.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.