Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
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*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.