If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
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Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other