Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
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Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
If you know, you know
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]