Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
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I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
NASA has no chill
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”