the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
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I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.