Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
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Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My neck, my back, my…
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Vodka burrito was a success
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”