The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
just having fun
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement