Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
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Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
*3.5 thank you very much.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
This dude got his own movie?
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.