Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
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Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy