My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
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I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Oops
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*