I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
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had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Sing it!
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again