Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
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My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
My life coach traded me.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.