Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
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Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry