“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
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Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.