The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
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Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
That’s it.I’m out.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories