SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
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DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
*visits random websites just for the cookies*