I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
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Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything