Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
You Might Also Like
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.