Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
You Might Also Like
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Cheers Twitter.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]