ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
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[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.