All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
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[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.