If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
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My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
You are what you delete.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.