Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
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My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”