I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
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*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”