If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
You Might Also Like
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.