7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
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I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.