Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies