I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
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Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.