1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
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[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
🤣✨#caturday
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.