Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
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Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?