Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
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I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Cake!!
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
I cannot call her anything else now
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does