accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
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my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring