I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
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Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
🙄😏😂🤣
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?