this is the greatest thing ever
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If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”