A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
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I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs