some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
You Might Also Like
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”