“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
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My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
12653.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Best spoiler warning ever
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.