Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
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Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]