My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
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Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying