If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
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I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Ken is short for chicken
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Canada has crack?