ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
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Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen