A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
You Might Also Like
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots