Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
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If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Mornin
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby