Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
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One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?