Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
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Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.