when there are deer in the woods
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Pass gas, not judgment.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked