Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
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Quadruple digit IQ
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.