Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
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Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.